Writing a journal or diary is an interesting concept isn’t it. For many it’s a natural step in documenting all the shifts and changes. For others its bit of an alien concept.
I choose not to journal and for various deep seated reasons.
“Why are you bringing it up now?”
I’m on a course that a friend of mine is running. This is the third in a row of her’s I’ve done and something deep seated always pops up. Seemingly out of nowhere. But in truth it’s simply time for it to come up and be seen and then dealt with.
We were asked to look back at 2018. Sounds simple yes? In truth it’s a bit of a complicated one for me as I’m shown not to look backwards anymore but to stay in the present moment. I used to live permanently in the past reliving situations, conversations and it drained me. To the point of making myself ill.
“So where’s the correlation between looking at 2018 and not journalling?”
I’m getting to that. That’s the good stuff. The nitty gritty. The self work.The stuff when it drops makes me go “oh for f**ks sake! Is THAT what was going on the whole time???!!!“
For a bit of background before I became self employed and turned my life into what it is today I was employed by a company for 16 years. 16 long years.
I had to keep a desk diary.
Not simply due to the volume of work – and believe me it was a huge list. But also because each year we had to run at the gamut of the annual appraisal. A hideous experience at the best of times . But, and here’s where it becomes not so pleasant. Each year it became more and more in-depth. To the point of being utterly ridiculous – which is not a term I use lightly.
What should have been a page or two at best would tun into a +10 page epistle FOR EACH EMPLOYEE. Simply as a tick box exercise. The hoops each person was made to jump through would put stress levels through the roof. People had to take them home to complete as they couldn’t carve out time in the office to do it. Even though technically you were supposed to be able to. I won’t go into specifics as they serve no purpose and are so ridiculous you would think I was making them up.
The not so nice underbelly
What I’ve realised over time is the sheer volume of very clever controlling programming that was being placed into my energy. Of having to keep a meticulous diary AND work calendar to be able to justify every second of every day of employment. To an almost forensic level. Rather than being about to say I did the job I was employed to do. I had an overwhelming feeling of having to justify my existence there.
The fear programming was extensive and whilst I’ve broken the back of 90-ish % of it there are still little slivers that pop up.
When I left that employer, once I was well, I stopped planning every second of every day. I stopped keeping a diary as it linked back to that 16 year period of control and being turning into a drone. And now when I really delve into this one I see it extends back further than this.
I can see tendrils extending back to secondary school all the way back to an English lesson. And bear in mind the memory of a pre teen decided what it retains. My abiding memory after handing in some creative writing homework was the comment my teacher made.
She couldn’t read my writing as it was joined up.
So I stopped with the creative writing . Something I should point out I adored for a long time before that point. I used to have an idea that I was going to be an Author if I wasn’t going to be a Vet.
My only form of writing after that point was pen pal letters. Yes those did exist once upon a time. But I never did much more than that. I turned to science instead as it didn’t judge quite the same way. It had structure and rules I could learn and understand.
Finding my way back
You may find it odd for me to say I didn’t like to write given it is my communication medium of choice these days. But that’s due to extensive self work. Of breaking down the conditioning and programming. Of finding my voice and realising it has worth. That I have worth.
So whilst I may not journal in the traditional sense with pen on paper I have found my voice HERE. Of writing blogs, of writing on my business page on Facebook. THAT is how I record where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Yes I may delete some things after a time bit by being very public (which is no small thing but the way ) in these things I can’t hide from it.
Living in the now
Anything that comes up or has a pattern is brought to me front and centre by my team. If I don’t get it straight away they will repeat it , loudly, till I do. Then the work is done.
By focussing on the present I am more able to move forwards rather than stuck in the past. What has happened has happened I won’t allow it to colour what is to come.
So there you have it. Part of the reason I don’t currently journal. That may change in time. Never say never and all that. I’ll continue to work in the way that is in alignment with myself. If having a journal works for you then keep going,
We all have something that works. We just need to find it.
So my thanks to my friend for running the course for this to come up for me to dive into.